Continuing To Find MyselfAuthor: Timothy Rogers | Published: May 8, 2022
Hi there… I have been struggling with my identity lately… and I been scared about it. The reason I am scared? To put it bluntly, cancel culture and the people who are very harsh gate keeping I see in what should be a safe and open community. So I want to write down my thoughts, and get them down for a bit. I know not many people may read this, because it is a long post… so I will do a quick one line TL;DR under this intro.
TL;DR: I think I might be trans, I feel scared about it because I feel like I waited to long, I feel scared of being gate kept out for not looking feminine enough physically, and lastly tons of childhood trauma around why it’s taken so long
So for those who don’t know about my rough life, and want the story of that… I suggest checking out my video here. I go over where I had quite the insane childhood, teen hood, and even just now I have been able to start focusing on myself and getting out of the survival mindset. I know that might sound crazy, because it has been about 5 years now of working through a lot of survival to self actualization… but it is a hard journey, going from runaway, to literal street living, to then being someone who has good job and living situation. It is a shock to the system.
That said, I have started being able to be in counseling for the past 4 years and it has helped me start working through a lot of things. I then also found VR which during the pandemic was a bit life saver, giving me a way to be out there and find people to chat and hang out with. It is also where, I was able to start being myself more without fear of real life repercussions of all the fear from being homeless again and whatnot.
I started out by realizing I missed letting myself be feminine, enjoying the stuff I at first didn’t even realize I repressed. I started to behave more like how I did when I was younger, but still use masculine body appearance… however started doing the stuff I did when I was younger and on SecondLife and had some cross-dressing like stuff, I have always enjoyed feminine clothes, and felt like they made me feel pretty. So that was the start of me getting comfortable, and my old body language as I got full body to be more immersed in VR and started to stand, sway, and other mannerisms I hid. Which brings me to our next section…
Repressed Memories and Feelings
So… I started to remember when I younger how I behaved very effeminate… So much so my family was very disgusted with it and would come after me about it. How so you might ask? An example was just the way I walked, I enjoyed and was so jealous of women and their heels (yeah I know they suck to wear too…) but loved how toe to heel walking felt… but my parents were not having it, and anytime they caught me doing it… I was told to walk like a man… Then I was also forced to do other things like I enjoyed and wanted the more feminine clothing, and that was not allowed either, was forced into the button down and polo shirts and slacks. I for years didn’t have a single t-shirt… because even that felt too lax for my family for some reason.
Sadly it doesn’t stop there, after remembering those painful memories… I started remembering and having them shared in family get togethers… about how I was when I was even younger, parts of my childhood I don’t remember… I was told things like “God… you hated playing in the grass, and you were always so afraid of getting dirt under your fingers… you just were so prissy” and just… it hurts to know that they really pushed me hard since really early childhood to a very masculine life.
Meeting Trans and Non-Binary Individuals
Thanks to VR, I was finally able to start meeting several people… I have started to meet so many more individuals who are Trans and Non-Binary, and even call a few of them very close friends now. It was nice to sit down and chat with them, and still feel like I need to do it a bit more because I mainly spent a lot of time with my Non-Binary friends talking about this stuff than my Trans friends. I just get a bit nervous, and not saying they shouldn’t be this way… because trust me I get it… being someone who fought for LGBTQ+ rights back in high school, it is something to be proud about. I just feel nervous sometimes about talking to some of them about it, because I just want to be “me” and yeah I support and care and wouldn’t hide it… just the very loud and proud days of my life just feel a bit behind me… I been fighting a long time and just want to be happy with myself and those I am close too.
Side Note: I also want to give a small shout out, because I have gotten this a few times and I think it needs to be said… While I personally feel like the Non-Binary marker might not be correct for me going forward(still working that out)… I been slightly jilted by some saying “it is just a phase point for those who don’t know they are trans yet”… and I hate that line of thinking… it feels like the whole Bisexual argument all over again, “they just don’t know what they are yet” which is just invalid and wrong… To my Non-Binary friends, I get it and find you 100% valid! Not everyone falls into the binary, both sexual identity and gender identity is a spectrum.
Working Through Feelings
So… I am still working through my feelings on all this… I am scared still about being gate kept out… I am scared of doing it this late in my life… I am scared about how it will effect my personal and professional life… It adds a completely new set of feelings and concerns… I don’t want to make others around me uncomfortable, I want to still be the person they know is friendly, a nerd, and enjoys being that caring and protective person as much as I can be these days with my own stuff going on.
What can I say… other than I am so thankful for all my friends at this point I have spoken too and I most likely will keep talking too to work through this and find out this is the correct way I wanna go… I have already told my counselor, I have already stated to several close friends She/Her has become a preference… but there still that fear that I am not welcome or allowed to feel this way.
The professional life side of things, I know if I start working on these changes, start working towards taking steps to change my physical appearance it will take time… and it may cause me some hate from co-workers or other things. But I am ok with that, because it isn’t for them it is for me… I am slowly coming to terms with that feeling…
At the end of the day… I want to do this for me, I want to just be happy being me. I feel like I have lived my life for so many others since getting myself back on track… I given so much of my time, money, and emotional bandwidth to others in my life… Often times not getting anything back, but those who do have become very close to me and happy to call my friends. I have started to be more careful about who I bring into my life… They all accept me, and they are great people… and I am just happy to call them friends…
I just want to keep removing the masks I have put on from just surviving to now becoming who I feel is the real me… Stop hiding, to stop pretending to be the things that my family and being homeless taught me try and be to survive and just become the me who I was all along…